Day 14 + xx days: Closure

I know its been super late update, but I get carried away with semester breaks. I’m too lazy to open my Mac and write something. This is my last post for the 14-days-detox journal. Its been quite a journey itself with its funny story that I found along the way. Its a bit funny because during the last days I when to Sydney and just happened to had a breakfast with a friend. My schedule in Sydney its pretty full and he insisted to have breakfast with me (because I had to see friend from Jakarta around 10 am and he had to catch a flight at 11 am). So, we had early breakfast around 8am. Super early for me who always lazy to get up in Saturday morning. But I didn’t regret it because the conversation between me and him would be perfectly fit to close my detox journal.

Both of us have dull-love-story, you know late-20s kind of problems. I admire his value to give a chance to someone he loves but at the same time draw a bold line to respect himself. He also taught me how important commitment and he believes that friends-with-benefits or non-attachment won’t work. I somehow somewhat agree on him. The other half of me still deny it tho. He said the “I-cant-trust-anyone” and “I-dont-know-if-I’m-capable-to-fall-in-love-again” are just a phase. Rather than randomly hanging out or dating with different people each time, its better to focus on your self and life priority. Then prepare for proper relationship.

And its hard. It never been easy tho. But, I’m trying (at least, in my own pace lol).

I feel grateful to the conversation that I never expected. That I know there are people who always there, listen to me and give me good advice. At least, no matter how stubborn I am, they are always there. And this is just a phase in my life (that I keep bumping into weirdos or good people). If I’m not ready for any commitment and relationship, nobody can forces me. And I can’t help if anyone has feeling for me. I just need my space for myself to improve and be the better version of myself.

Well, let’s see what happens in the future. Que sera sera. 🙂

Day 12: Love

Finally, the storm of assignments + exam is finish (at least) before another ‘storm’ on May. I’m gonna have 2 weeks break and now we will have long weekend. So, everybody is going to other city (including me). So, when I just arrived home, it felt weird that my life a bit calm and quiet. However, Canberra is super lovely in this quiet week.

Since, the 14-days-of-detox is almost over, I have to admit that the first week was super hard.  But the second week a bit nice since I feel more peaceful (and have to focus on exam + assignment too!). During this detox week, I’ve been thinking a lot about many things lately (besides poverty reduction, growth, aid policy and democracy, obviously). Love is one of thing that in my mind lately.

One of my good friend fall in love with someone, and it somehow affecting him so much because the person that he loves doesn’t love him back. So, he’s dealing with a lot of uneasy emotion lately. It’s not easy to say “move on” to someone, because you never know how deep is the love. And sometimes you can’t choose someone that you fell into. It just happened.

After the last heartbreak experience and had relationship with this guy (oh update story, I cut this whatever-ship we have, too much drama lately, and I just can’t afford to focus on another drama. I need to focus on my study and my life here), I don’t know if I’m able to love someone again. Or maybe I’m just too tired with any feeling and emotion. I do remember, I have discussion with my friend about love. I told him that love is artificial things. You can love someone because the situation that encourage you to have romantic feeling, for instance if you meet that person everyday, you have similar taste of music, etc.

But I just met someone who lately say that he loves me. Its super weird (even until now) that somebody can love me. Sometimes its unexplained feeling and without no reason at all. He said there’s something in my personality that makes him likes me. Even I always being straightforward and brutally honest to him, the feeling still there. All I can do is say thank you to him. Because I know how hard is to love someone who doesn’t love you back. And fall in love is not an easy thing because you need courage and bravery to love someone deeply.

 

Day 8: Loneliness

My favourite morning activity is washing the dishes. It just calm my mind when water running through my hand and I have to clean it up everything left in the sink. I never thought that I become a clean addict like my mom. I always this lazy when I’m back home in Jakarta. But when I live alone, everything change. I love do the chores and make everything neat.

Anyway, washing the dishes, cleaning up kitchen and ironing are become my favourite activity. Especially when I have a lot of things in my mind.

People always wondering how much energy I have to meet a lot of people and stay bubbly. I don’t know the answer myself. But at some point, I feel exhausted, and just want to be alone.

Loneliness is a big deal for many people without you realise. I have to admit, I’m grateful I have people that I can rely on and talk if I feel lonely. But most of the times, loneliness is my old friend. I like being alone and on my own. Being ‘extrovert’ might people think that you can’t be alone, and they are confused when you just on your own-self. I love being alone, makes distance and in my peace of mind.

But this morning, I talk with my friend who recently move to London for work. He deals with different kind of loneliness. Because its a new place, new environment, new pressure in his workplace and no on knows him. On the other day, someone talks to me that he thought he might end up alone because nobody will understand him.

Dealing with loneliness is never easy. My friend choose to face it and embrace the loneliness he has. The other friend try to be busy so he doesn’t have to think about the loneliness that he felt.

One time I think that it might be possible that I end up alone. So I just prepared myself to be someone that I can rely on. The attitude of ‘I dont need anyone’ is a bit scary but challenging. At certain point you reach the level independence that you never thought you have before. Moreover, dealing with different kind of people lately just made me less trust to people. And somehow it makes my emotion dry, emotionless and a bit bitter.

Yesterday, someone met me because he’s about to leave Canberra for quiet some time. That person is one of the few people that just patiently listen all my stories. I told him about my current condition and emotionless state, and all he said to me repeatedly is “you’ll be okay”. I hugged him tight realise that I have to embrace the moment I have with him because I never know when he gonna back to Canberra.

And this morning, when I heard my friend’s story about his condition in London, all I can say is, “you’ll be okay,”.

So, anyone, who’s dealing with this kind of situation. You’ll be okay. Sooner or later.