Day 4: Self-Worth

Being confidence over yourself is not an easy things to do.

Nobody won’t believe me if I told them that once I was really introvert and shy. Grew up as this chubby and fat girl not easy in my society. I choose to be don’t really care with people’s opinion. I believe that only beautiful people that deserve to be loved and in love. Β Its really affect me on how I see myself. I always thought that I’m not interesting enough and always be the girl who lives in the shadow.

Its getting worse when I had a boyfriend when I was in early 20. During our relationship, he always said that I’m not pretty, I’m fat, and mock me. Its really not healthy relationship. At that time I learned the hard way how to defend myself from people that don’t value you. Even until we broke up and separate, I still feel the anger inside me towards him.

One thing I feel grateful is I can come over with the issue I had in the past. He might be the worst boyfriend I every had. But you know, in every hardship you always get something to learn. That its important to love yourself first and put yourself as your priority. Don’t ever rely on any relationship.

I guess thats how I get this confidence in me. When you accept your life is not perfect and you’re fine by it. So, thats how you get this self-worth. Because I learn to value myself as a person who is not perfect but willing to improve.


Day 3: Alpha Male

The first time I met him is when he picked me up at the airport. I just arrived after a week holiday in Aceh with my friends. As usual, I followed my guts, risking my life and let a strangers pick me at the airport to drive me home. We already talked for a week, and he always annoyingly called me during the holiday. I was in a condition of don’t believe in love and also relationship. I told my parents that I prefer to live alone rather than spend my life with wrong person. Basically, me being bitch after the heartbroken phase.

But he came and drove me home.

“Do you want to me to go spicy or super spicy?”


“Do you want me to drive normal, fast or super fast?

“Well, super fast is fine by me”

“Be careful of what you wished for, girl”

I rolled my eyes, been ‘dating’ with someone who likes to drift and drive-fast made me thinking why men always love to show off their driving skills. So I just told him to drive in whatever speed he likes.

The first time we talked, I knew he’s dominant and an alpha male. He has this strong characters and its difficult for you not to pay attention to him. Obviously, he’s smart. We spent 2 hours talking about politics in one of our phone call, when I was in holiday, and I felt happy to have someone that can discuss about things that I like. The other time, we talked about business idea. And its really nice to have someone that value my opinion and put me equal to him. Or the other time, when I just arrived from Perth to Canberra and felt soooo tired, we both fell asleep during our video call.

But what makes him more interesting is because he knows what he wants. I always bump with a guy who says, “I dont like to be in any relationship, too much drama”. While he is super confidence to put me in his future-plan. All I did only raised my eyebrow. But also flattered because I know he shared his ambitious plan to me. Nothing beats the man who knows what he wants in life and works to make it happen. In this case, he’s pretty ambitious.

I remember the first time he met my mother and told me, “please say hi to your Dad, I’m gonna meet him soon”.

Since he’s the man of the words, he met my Dad two weeks later. And they spent 3 freaking hours discuss about history. And, in the middle of the discussion, he told my Dad that he likes me. My Dad just laughed like its a normal things to hear.

“So, are you a Protestant or Catholic?”

“Saya Yahudi, Om”

I can’t help not to laugh when he answered it with Bahasa and see my Dad’s reaction to it. My Dad tried to be super cool with his answer. And they continue talking about history, politic and stuffs. In the end, they both like and admire each other. Seems like a happy ending, rite? Well…

It is not easy to be with him, tho, with all the circumstances between us. Plus at that time I know I’m gonna be back to Australia to spend another year for my study. But, he is my mirror. It’s a bit funny but we have a lot of similarities, or in my opinion, he’s the best version of myself (or he thought that he’s the worst version of myself). We both know each other logical thinking. We both super stubborn and hate being in control.

Do I like him? His strong characters hard to resist. I love being with an alpha male, or I could say dangerous person. It makes me wanted to be as strong as he is. I told him that I wanted to learn from him. But what I like about him, is his smile when he with kids. The genuine and pure smile. Maybe he appears bold but he has a soft spot for children. And that soft spot in his heart get the attention from the child inside me. Oh, and I love his grumpy face, it is so cute that you can’t help not to tease him (pull his cheeks for example lol).

However, the future is full of uncertainty. Long-distance relationship is difficult. We have this ‘funny’ agreement to ‘suspend’ our relationship and remain to be friend until we meet again in the future. And I know attachment is a burden so I keep myself busy to do many things. I believe that if we meant to be together, we will be together somehow. Moreover, after the heartbroken things (I know it silly but its true), I’m still not ready in any commitment yet. You know that you need time to heal and think about what you want. And I’m tired with expectations.

I feel grateful to know him in short time. And the distance and times differences actually really helpful especially if I woke up in the middle of the night and need someone to call. Or when I was stuck in my essays and he’s willing to help me out with my abstract idea. Or when in a middle of conversation he asked about my parents (and when I call my parents, they asked about him too!! why they just don’t call each other -_-).

As he’s about to go back to States in near time for his business, and I’m still in Down Under until next year. So, cheers to the uncertainty.


Day 2: Heartbroken

I was a hopeless romantic before. Maybe there’s still part of me that hopeless romantic. I like to write poem and collecting quotes. I love sunset and when the moon rising. I always love to be in a beach and wondering the ‘other’ person will be across the sea and our mind will be connected.

And I found that man.

A man who loves nature. He taught me many kind of trees and its usage. He taught me how to know where is west in our city. He taught me the characters of birds here. He taught me to notice the smell in the air when rain is about to come. He loves to catch moon rising and somehow we never catch the moon rising (although we always planned for it). Not to mention that I always love the time we spent because we could speak about anything. I remember I laugh freely with him although all he did was talking about music or something stupid. Or we just talking in low voice, side by side, about life and problems. Walking around with him and exchange questions about our value and personal life was my favourite things to do. Cooking for him and his sister family was also my favourite things to do. Nothing can beat the feeling to cook for the people you love.

His biggest traits is makes people feel safe around him. But I love him because we have the same eyes. Or its only my assumptions that we have the same eyes.

I do remember when I was in Newcastle, longing to the sea, and I realise that we won’t be together. I always have this intuition to tell me about things.

After that, things fell apart. I know I’m heartbroken. I forgot when was the last time I fell so in love to somebody and felt this so heartbroken. Even now, if I’m thinking about this, its still feel hurts.

What makes you heartbroken is expectation. I have this high expectation of this man because of the circumstances. But, I forgot, our circumstances also will be the challenges. No matter how strong the chemistry between us. In the end, me and him will be separated anyway.

But I feel grateful to have this heartbroken feeling. This vulnerability feeling keeps remind me that sometimes things don’t go as you wished for. And I’m proud of myself that I can love people that much, because it takes courage to love someone.

I learn many things from this experience. Attachment is a burden. You can’t force people to stay with you. If they want to be with you, they will make effort. If they don’t, just let them go. What matters is enjoy your moment while together. If its meant to be it will be.

I don’t know if I’m ready to fall in love again, but I know I just need times. To pursue my dream. To having fun with my friends. But the most important thing is to love myself.