As you see the edge of the ocean

You realise one thing

The eyes that you longing to see is there

The eyes that have same vision with you

The eyes that capture beauty

The eyes that soft and kind

Just like the ocean, you are willing to drown in that eyes

The eyes that is a reflection of your eyes

Until both of your hands meet

And shared the same breath

Day 8: Loneliness

My favourite morning activity is washing the dishes. It just calm my mind when water running through my hand and I have to clean it up everything left in the sink. I never thought that I become a clean addict like my mom. I always this lazy when I’m back home in Jakarta. But when I live alone, everything change. I love do the chores and make everything neat.

Anyway, washing the dishes, cleaning up kitchen and ironing are become my favourite activity. Especially when I have a lot of things in my mind.

People always wondering how much energy I have to meet a lot of people and stay bubbly. I don’t know the answer myself. But at some point, I feel exhausted, and just want to be alone.

Loneliness is a big deal for many people without you realise. I have to admit, I’m grateful I have people that I can rely on and talk if I feel lonely. But most of the times, loneliness is my old friend. I like being alone and on my own. Being ‘extrovert’ might people think that you can’t be alone, and they are confused when you just on your own-self. I love being alone, makes distance and in my peace of mind.

But this morning, I talk with my friend who recently move to London for work. He deals with different kind of loneliness. Because its a new place, new environment, new pressure in his workplace and no on knows him. On the other day, someone talks to me that he thought he might end up alone because nobody will understand him.

Dealing with loneliness is never easy. My friend choose to face it and embrace the loneliness he has. The other friend try to be busy so he doesn’t have to think about the loneliness that he felt.

One time I think that it might be possible that I end up alone. So I just prepared myself to be someone that I can rely on. The attitude of ‘I dont need anyone’ is a bit scary but challenging. At certain point you reach the level independence that you never thought you have before. Moreover, dealing with different kind of people lately just made me less trust to people. And somehow it makes my emotion dry, emotionless and a bit bitter.

Yesterday, someone met me because he’s about to leave Canberra for quiet some time. That person is one of the few people that just patiently listen all my stories. I told him about my current condition and emotionless state, and all he said to me repeatedly is “you’ll be okay”. I hugged him tight realise that I have to embrace the moment I have with him because I never know when he gonna back to Canberra.

And this morning, when I heard my friend’s story about his condition in London, all I can say is, “you’ll be okay,”.

So, anyone, who’s dealing with this kind of situation. You’ll be okay. Sooner or later.

Day 4: Self-Worth

Being confidence over yourself is not an easy things to do.

Nobody won’t believe me if I told them that once I was really introvert and shy. Grew up as this chubby and fat girl not easy in my society. I choose to be don’t really care with people’s opinion. I believe that only beautiful people that deserve to be loved and in love.  Its really affect me on how I see myself. I always thought that I’m not interesting enough and always be the girl who lives in the shadow.

Its getting worse when I had a boyfriend when I was in early 20. During our relationship, he always said that I’m not pretty, I’m fat, and mock me. Its really not healthy relationship. At that time I learned the hard way how to defend myself from people that don’t value you. Even until we broke up and separate, I still feel the anger inside me towards him.

One thing I feel grateful is I can come over with the issue I had in the past. He might be the worst boyfriend I every had. But you know, in every hardship you always get something to learn. That its important to love yourself first and put yourself as your priority. Don’t ever rely on any relationship.

I guess thats how I get this confidence in me. When you accept your life is not perfect and you’re fine by it. So, thats how you get this self-worth. Because I learn to value myself as a person who is not perfect but willing to improve.