“Home”

I found a blog post written by Aldo about ‘Perjalanan Mencari Rumah‘ and it hits me right. I feel related to his writing especially the part of when he’s longing for a place can accept him as he is. The fight of identity within myself always lead me to questioned everything. True that, in my own country I’m the part of majority people. Moreover, also belong to privilege group too. Having Javanese bloodline, a moslem, live in capital, having a good quality of education, able to pursue my education to Master degree etc. But sometimes I have different value from people and some of them think I’m odd and against society’s value.

Able to live in Australia is a wide opening eye experience for me, especially to meet many kind of people who accepting me the way I am. Just like any other unpopular thought in many people who live abroad, I’m thinking to live outside Indonesia for the sake of experience, acceptance and possible better future options. I met a lot of immigrants from South Asian countries, African countries, Middle-east countries and they always laugh when I told them the idea of changing nationality is unpopular in Indonesia because its a sign of ‘not-love-your-country’. Some of them are reach success point (and willing to achieve more) and have better job or life, the others are still struggling.

I love to live and establish my life in Indonesia. Since I have big personal goals that I want to achieve here. But reading the current situation now, where conservatism groups are rising, nobody can easily predict about what will happen in next 5 or 10 years. Since democracy is about majority rules (although it supposedly protect the minority values as well), I don’t know what if the majority values against my own value. Some people will argue to fight back and build your own community that you wanted. But its not simple since you need to have some such power to do so. Now, I sound skeptical with the idea itself. lol.

Anyway, the question of home is always haunting me. Surely, Jakarta is always be home for me. But, Canberra is now became home as well. Just like what Aldo said in his post, home is a place when you can contribute something and its not just a place where you feel belong but also you build something on it. Where will I go for my next journey? Can’t wait to look for my third home 🙂

25 June 2018

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Today is my birthday. I spent the night with two of my best friends and we kinda had staycation. When I woke up in the morning, I can see rain fell down to Jakarta. The Monday morning started in a gloomy mood. I always love see the city view from above and lucky we got room in 16th floor. The last time I saw city view from above is in Melbourne around end of May. However, for me Jakarta still looks prettier because of its vulnerability. I do remember it was also rainy morning in Melbourne. And I left the city with a weird emotion and feeling.

This morning in Jakarta, I still feel surreal of my own birthday. On one side of me kinda deny the fact that its my birthday, on the other side I kinda excited receiving text from friends. I have to feel grateful that I spent my birthday with my close friends and families. But what is birthday anyway, is a ticking down to lesser years in your life. Still, its a good time to reflect what you have been passed the previous year.

I have to say that my 27 years old journey quite an experience. I learnt a lot of things and completely change the way I am (my values, the way I think, etc) if I compare to previous years ago. Its true that people will change, but your future will be define by how your decision now.

I have been deeply in love

I have been hurt 

I learnt to stand tall and stood for myself

I learnt to say no

I made mistakes

I learnt to understand people shoes 

I learnt to trust people again

I forgive some people

I have so much fun

I became cold heart girl

I took random and impulsive decision

I learnt to do not think what other people opinion and focus on myself

I became stronger

Obviously after 2018 my life would not be easier as I will be graduate on December. Real life awaits for me. University is a safe bubble as a place to separate you from real world. So, during the second half of 2018 I know I need to prepare myself.

My friend asked me what is my wish for my birthday. All I can think is I am able to find a good job and career after I graduate (lol realistis banget). But some people (especially parents) think about marriage (well, typical Indonesian).

To be realistic as it may sound, I just need to prepare myself for any condition. Maybe I will be more ambitious this semester, who knows. But, lets enjoy life in Australia while you still have few months left there. ❤

Re-thinking Family Relationship

Eid supposedly a happy moment when family could gather and enjoy togetherness after being busy with life. But somehow, it could be anxious experience. I thought it was only me. After a year or so didn’t meet half of the big family members, I was being anxious. Sure, I’m pretty excited to meet some of them (because the aunt who usually gives nice recommendation for future career, or another aunt who can cook delicious pasta etc), but I can’t hide my anxiety.

I thought it was only me. Until I scroll down my twitter timeline, I found some tweets who mentioned that they are not comfortable to be in family gathering, choose to get out from house or locked themselves in the room. It’s totally their rights to do so. But, it hits me right to questioned the phenomena.

Why?

First, what can you consider as family relationship? Obviously it is because of the bloodline and you can’t choose your family because you are stick with them forever.

Second, no family is perfect. To be honest, Eid moment is the time when my mind wondering about how people can cry and apologise to each other and within a minutes they are start talking about each other. (Yes, I am cynical about this).

Third, somehow you are not really close to them because its compulsory not your own choice to hang out with them. So, it could be awkward because you are not really know them well (unless some cousins who followed each other on social media so I could know their activity). The awkward starts when some relatives start asking unnecessary question like: when you are getting married? why you are being so picky? how can you gain so much weight and being fat (oh I’m gonna discuss this on my next post)?

When I was kid, my mom told me to be polite and act nice to everyone. Its pretty easy for me when I was kid because I only know what is right or wrong based on my parents preferences. Now, I have my own values for what is right or wrong for me. And surely its hard to hid my uncomfortable in my face when I see something wrong. Of course, I still can be nice and smile politely. But, I become much much more cynical. I guess thats the reason why some people prefer to make distance from their family to avoid that kind of situation.

When my dad was in ICU and I was in Canberra, the people that I can ask for help is my two best friends. Even one of them just landed from Portugal and ran to the hospital afterwards. I could not bother to ask my mom’s siblings for help because somehow I feel uncomfortable with them (I am sorry, but it is true).

Maybe this is happened because there are shifting of closeness between family and friends toward our generation. Previously people tend to spend more time with family but now people tend to spend time with friends. So, I even feel closer to my friends rather than with the family. Actually its quite funny that I also saw my mom more close to her friends rather than her siblings anyway.

Well, true that, eventho blood is thicker than water but sometimes there are other things that influence how human relationship between each other. It does not mean that family is less important. But people are free to choose with whom they spend time or put priority.

Cheers!